Sebenarnya

Saya okay okat aje. Memanglah ada sakit sikit. Tak apalah Allah nak bagi gugur dosa la tu. InsyaAllah.
Kena kuat,kena senyum.

Cuma bertimbun-timbun pulak hal nak jadi minggu lepas.

Auliya diagnosed with inflamed Bartholin cyst. So,she's currently on antibitiocs. Sedih. Sangat sedih bilamana kau dah bertekad nak anak kau exclusively breastfed for 6 months,dah pulak kena amik ubat.She's too small for that. Sigh!

And and and. Entah macam mana tetiba ada bengkak pulak dekat dada kanan dia.Kalau dua-dua belah tu aku tak risau sangat sebab itu normallah dia ''minum" hormon aku sekali. So,dada dia membesar sikit itu memang biasa. Tapi ini dah macam bernanah pulak. Sigh!

And aku pulak tetiba lah nak kena bengkak susu. Sakit dia kalau nak cakap,baik bersalin lagik kot? Walaupun bersalin tuh kesakitannnya diibaratkan seperti 20tulang dipatahkan serentak,tapi seriously,at this point of time,I would like to re-consider my decision not to go through labour again.Ok suami,anda mungkin boleh bergembira sebab ada peluang lah Auliya nak ada adik.(2-3 tahun lagi lah tapi) And aku pun sekarang dok telan antibiotics 2-3 jugak.Sigh!

Dan ada possibility jugak aku kena surgery sebab bengkak susu ni. Apapun kita doa yang terbaiklah. Isnin ni baru tau.Sigh!

Ayah dah balik. Tinggal dengan Mama je sekarang. Habib dah balik lama dah.Sigh!

Babysitter tak dapat lagi. Sigh!

Rabu depan dah nak mula kerja semula.Sigh!

Aku tak pernah rasa salah untuk kita mengeluh sebab itu lambang kekerdilan kita. Betapa kita ni sebenarnya tak kuat kalau tak dibantu Dia.

Maka atas semua kekucaran perasaan dan gelombang dugaan (bukan gelombang PRU-13.eceyh!) yang melanda aku sekarang ni,terhasillah "Akulah Perempuan Itu".....Bukannya satu tulisan mendabik dada. Sekadar melepaskan lelah-lelah yang bersarang di dalam sana. Supaya bila orang bertanya,aku masih mampu angkat kepala dan berkata "Aku okay!" Smile!

Akulah Perempuan Itu

Akulah perempuan itu
Yang azamnya sedalam Mariana, sabarnya seluas Pasifik, kurdatnya sekental Kilimanjaro,
Lewat kebelakangan ini digelar uar sebagai potret seorang seorang hero

Akulah perempuan itu
Yang adiknya bangga-banggakan selalu
Kerana dalam gila-gila pun punya naluri survival dan kematangan yang jitu

Akulah perempuan itu
Yang buat sang suami senyum ke telinga
Bila sahabatnya datang berkata "aku dengki kau ada isteri sekuat dia"

Akulah perempuan itu
Yang diherdik rakan,diperli saudara kerana tidak berpantang
Walhal dalam hatinya dah jenuh mengeluh "aku teringin..tapi tak kupunya waktu dan ruang"

Akulah perempuan itu
Yang usai mandi mengurut badan sendiri, berbengkung sendiri,bertuam panas sendiri
Sambil mencemburui update rakan-rakan FB yang saban 40 harinya dilayan bagai puteri

Akulah perempuan itu,
Yang saat gembiranya mahu dia kongsi ke satu dunia,
Tapi sedih dan gusarnya biar lebih elok disorok sahaja

Akulah perempuan itu
Yang sedang menulis dalam tangis yang menderu
Kerana galau hati ini kepada siapa tak tahu nak diadu

20April2013
Kunil Park,Kaprigudda,Mangalore

                      "Bukan semudah senyum yang aku ukirkan, tapi kerana iman aku gagahkan"

290313 #1

14 April 2013 - Kalau ikut perkiraan asalnya, hari ini adalah harinya aku bakal menimang cahaya mata pertama. Tapi perancangan Allah yang terbaik itu telah menetapkan tarikh 29 Mac 2013 sebagai hari pertama untuk puteri sulung kami itu menjenguk dunia. Alhamdulillah, anak perempuan kami seberat 2.65kg selamat dilahirkan di Vijaya Clinic, Kadri,Mangalore pada pukul 10.55malam.

Banyak yang hendak diceritakan..Perancangan asalnya, pastilah banyak entri yang akan dapat ditulis memandangkan aku sekarang bercuti selama sebulan. Tapi ini sudah 2 minggu dan ini baru entri yang kedua. Masih bersilat menyesuaikan diri dengan title baru sebagai seorang ibu.

29 Mac 2013 - Mengimbau kembali rentetan peristiwa pada salah satu hari yang bermakna dalam hidup aku. Pagi itu,aku bangun lewat kira-kira pukul 7.30pagi,payah sungguh untuk bangun dari katil,bahagian pusat dan ke bawah memang rasa berat sangat. Aku keluar bilik mencari Ayah untuk mengadu "Rasanya macam tak boleh nak pergi kerja ni". Tapi aku masih berpendapat yang sakit aku ini diakibatkan oleh kerja berat pada hari sebelumnya. Malah,malam sebelumnya,aku berjalan kaki kira-kira 1km bersama Ayah untuk makan malam bersama kawan-kawan. Kasihan juga dekat Ayah yang asyik duduk di rumah saja semenjak sampai ke bumi India seminggu sebelum itu. Oh,jangan salahkan aku berjalan kaki tak sedar diri,salahkan auto yang tak kunjung mari.

Usai mandi air panas pagi itu,aku rasa kembali bertenaga lantas aku putuskan untuk pergi bekerja. Lagipun tak sampai hati nak biarkan rakan-rakan sekerja yang lagi bertiga itu untuk uruskan dewan bersalin (LT=Labour theatre) yang sentiasa penuh dengan kejutan. Aku telahpun putuskan yang selesai saja posting LT ni aku akan mula bercuti . Tinggal 3 hari saja pun lagi di wad bersalin ni.Posting wad bersalin adalah antara yang paling mencabar sebenarnya.Kerja 12 jam sehari, seminggu malam,seminggu siang.Ah Faridahanum,alah bisa, tegal biasa!

Tengah hari itu aku sempat buat antenatal check-up macam biasa..Bila ma'am tanya ada apa-apa masalah ke tak cepat je aku cakap tak. Tak terfikir pun nak cerita pasal sakit pagi tu sebab dah dua minggu pun macam tu jugak sakitnya. Aku fikir tu sebab kerja kuat sangat,berjalan banyak, berlari pun ada,terkejar sana sini,stress kena marah dengan tasan lagi.HUHU.Lagipun,madam doctor ni cikgu aku sendiri kot,tak naklah beria-ia cakap sakit tapi nanti diagnosis dia 'false labour pain' je. Malu ah!

Balik dari check-up,aku sambung kerja macam biasa. Tepat pukul 4 petang,masa aku tengah tukarkan catheter seorang makcik nih,tiba-tiba rasa contraction lain macam. Sekali contract,dia tarik sampai ke belakang sakitnya. Rileks lagi sambung kerja. Tapi mata tak lepas tengok jam,nak kira contractions.Masa tu dalam masa 10minit ada 2-3 contractions,setiap satu sakitnya dalam 15-20saat.Aku cuba duduk,sakit juga. Masuk duty doctor's room baring pulak,masih sama jugak sakit dia. Tak boleh jadi nih.Terus SMS Asma'. Sempat jugak tweet yang tak tahan tu. 

Kononnya nak buat livestreaming lah update pasal pengalaman bersalin. Tapi wassalam je lah...Tak termampu dah. Yang aku ingat orang pesan zikir "La ilaha illa anta. Subhanaka inni kuntum minazzolimin" setiap kali rasa sakit. Battery phone pun KO. Plus,wad bersalin tu sterile kot..selamba tok kaduk je nak bawak phone masuk eh?

Bila telefon Habib dia pun cool lagi. "False labour pain kot?Sayang B kan primi" Cehhhhh! Pergilah sambung shopping dengan Mama kat Mydin tu..Fine fine fine. Aku pun tak ada masa nak merajuk sebab dah sakit sangat. Lagipun,Habib bukan pergi shopping untuk diri sendiri, dia sibuk beli barang yang aku pesan juga sebab Mama nak datang India minggu depannya.   

Masa Asma' dengan Dian sampai dekat LT pulak kitorang boleh gaduh-gaduh lagi nak pergi klinik ke nak balik rumah dulu. Aku bertegas jugak nak balik mandi dan solat Asar dulu. Kau tahu tak banyak benda dalam kepala masa tu?? Kalau Allah takdirkan aku syahid malam tu acamne? Mana tahu itu sajalah peluang untuk aku solat untuk kali terakhir kan?At last memang diorang kena ikutkan jugaklah kedegilan aku bila aku bagi hujah "aku primi(1st timer),nih baru mula sakit ni.Ada 5-6 jam lagi kalau baby nak keluar pun"

ex-housemate kuuuuuu

Lepas tu gaduh lagi(gaduh main-main lah) sebab diorang nak aku naik wheelchair. Aku pula rasa ok je kalau nak berjalan lagi. Jenuh aku cakap,masa contraction je yang sakit.Dan sebab tak nak orang sakit nak bersalin stress banyak-banyak,diorang ikutkan jugak la sebab aku cakap "gilalah...aku tak nak jadi perhatian orang lah.malu dowh"...So,aku pun berjalanlah dengan Asma' sementara Dian pergi carikkan auto. Bila contraction je berhenti la sekejap.. Yang paling aku ingat bila aku cakap dekat Asma' aku sakit sangat,dia pujuk cakap "memang Num..sakit tu penghapus dosa. Haaa..ko ingat senang-senang ke nak gugur dosa?" HIHIHI.Asma' punya cara pujuk memang bunyi cam kasar tapi jujurnya,sepanjang aku berjuang nak lahirkan si comel ni, ada 3 je benda yang aku fikir - zikir La ila hailla anta, surah Maryam & kata-kata Asma' ni.

Bersambung.....

Labour Pain

What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger.

Gave birth to a 2.65kg female baby on 29.3.2013 at 10.55pm

And now is still adapting with motherhood.

Will update in details soon.

Loads of love,
Mama Faridahanum.

Ketiga

"Pergilah kau iblis!Jangan ganggu aku dan keturunan aku!" Sekuat hati dia laungkan. Bukan sekali dua insiden macam ni terjadi. Banyak kali.

Banyak kali semenjak dia tinggal keseorangan di teduhan yang dahulunya terisi dengan usik tawa dan gurau manjanya bersama suami. Ditambah pula dengan kedatangan peperiksaan tahun akhir perubatan, tekanan dan bebanan yang ditanggung bukanlah boleh hilang semudah ia datang.

Ketika itu,dia seorang perempuan, maka air mata adalah fitrah kejadiannya. Mana mungkin diubah penciptaan Tuhan. Dia juga seorang isteri, maka sebahagian kekuatannya adalah sang suami. Bila tidak di sisi, seolah berjalan tempang kaki. Ketiganya,dia bawa jasad bernyawa dalam rahim, maka hormonnya jadi tidak lazim. Mulalah keserabutan sepanjang musim.

Kadang-kadang bila ketabahan hilang, mata bergenang, mulalah meracau seorang. Macam orang hilang akal. Patutlah ramai yang kata dia 'pagal'(which means 'gila' in Hindi).

Gila kerana memaksa suami bergegas pulang ke tanah air. Gila kerana menempuh peperiksaan tanpa berteman. Gila kerana memilih untuk menambah isi rumah yang ketiga bukan di bumi tanah tumpah darah. Lagilah gila kerana nak bersalin pun bukan di Malaysia. Kalau di Dubai atau UK,tak apalah juga. Ini India!!!!

Tapi hakikatnya,dia manusia berprinsip. Dan biarlah kalau ada yang berkata ini prinsip gila,tak kena cara,masa dan ketika.

(OK,letih dah membahasakan diri sendiri sebagai orang ketiga)

Pertama, suamiku yang hensem lagi kacak bergaya tu telahpun menandatangani kontrak dengan JPA 3 tahun sebelum kami berkenalan, 5 tahun sebelum kami melangkah ke alam perkahwinan. Sebelum berkahwin juga beliau(aku pun terima juga) telah dikirimkan "surat keizinan beserta amaran keras" oleh pihak JPA yang antara isi kandungannya menyebut tentang perlunya mengekalkan prestasi akademik walaupun sesudah berkahwin dan peringatan yang beliau masih termaktub dan tertakluk di bawah syarat-syarat perjanjian kontrak yang telah ditandatangani. Salah satu syaratnya - pulang melapor diri dan berkhidmat sebaik sahaja tamat pengajian. Dan kami pun bersetuju. Itu janji dan amanah yang perlu kami tepati.

Kedua, secara teknikalnya,sebaik melapor diri dengan JPA dan KKM, barulah akan dipanggil untuk kursus induksi dan ditawarkan bekerja. Kurang-kurang 2 bulan juga menganggur tanpa pendapatan. Habib lapor diri Disember lepas, Februari baru dipanggil bekerja. Kalau nak tunggu aku habis periksa hari tu, baru nak balik sama-sama, paling awal April dapat kerja, kos-kos isi rumah yang bertambah ni,gi mana deh ongkosnya? Toink! 

My husband is a very responsible person actually. He was also reluctant to leave me alone here but I myself ensured him that everything's gonna be okay. Normallah kalau nak meroyan tuh kadang-kadang. Manusia kan ada hati dan perasaan. But I told him that we have to put it this way...Soal emosi hati dan perasaan ni, InsyaAllah boleh disettlekan dengan doa,zikir,baca Al-Quran,mengadu dengan Allah,mohon kekuatan dari Dia..Tapi soal harta dan rezeki nih,Allah dah pesan suruh kita usaha. He can't just stay here and gedebuk Allah nak bagi duit macam tu je..Kena usaha,baru ada hasilnya.Itu janji Allah.

Ketiga, memang aku jujur mengaku dengan suami yang ada baiknya jugalah dia duduk jauh-jauh masa musim peperiksaan yang genting. Nasib baik dia pun memahami. Kalau tak nanti....instead of stay-up baca buku, lain pulak jadinya...  Exam ke tak exam ke,aku dah letak suami di tempat pertama. TEEETTTT!!!!

*maka inilah penjelasannya...jangan dipuji aku kuat,kerana aku cuma dipinjamkan kekuatan dariNya. Alhamdulillah...hingga ke saat ini,masih diberi pinjaman olehnya.*

oh by the way,sebab dah letak tajuk blog hari ni sebagai "ketiga", korang tahu tak saya dan suami sama-sama merupakan anak ketiga? dan oh satu lagi,untuk final MBBS exam yang baru lepas ni, saya menduduki tangga ketiga selepas Yvonne dan Bob dalam kalangan pelajar Malaysia? Tak adalah hebat manapun.. Just a small note for myself untuk dikenang-dikenang di masa depan. Eceyh!

Sweat.Toil.Tears.Blood

Phewwww..just done with orientation programme for my internship. I thought once I finished my undergraduate course,I would no longer sitting in lecture hall listening to people giving talks,speeches etc.

Wait a minute!
Internship???  No longer an undergraduate???
What????

Yezza people!!!It's been a looooonngggggg silence I know, but yours truly is now back with a "DR" title added in front of her name.Couldn't be any happier.

Alhamdulillah,all praises to Allah. After all sweat,toil,tears,blood(and fair amount of laughs in between) for 4 and a half years,I managed to get out of the battlefield physically sound,mentally sane, but with a ballooning tummy and all glowy! I'm currently pregnant at 34 weeks,just so you know.Another praises to Allah.

And to top that,all my Malaysian friends had also cleared the exam which makes us the first Malaysian batch to do so. Kira legend jugaklah kitorang nih.Eceyh!Perasan sendiri.

What we had achieved is not only because of the individual hardwork, We had each other and we helped each other. And I believed the icing on the cake is our continuous du'as recited secretly for each other's success. Hence, thank you Allah for answering all of them and for sending me these good people around me.

I can go on and on about this du'a and tawakkal thingy, and I wanted to share all my experiences for the past 4 months of silence with you,readers but let us do it slowly okay? I try to get the hang of this blogging thingy,again.HAHAHA. Hope this much lines will do.

Truth is,I did write in past 4 months but I didn't hit that "Publish" button. Most of them weren't a complete post either. You know me,I don't simply post here just for the sake of having something to be posted. See..aku dah start merepek nihhhhh!

Till then peeps,I promise you that I will write often.

Oh by the way,I'm now posted for 2 months in Obstetric and Gynaecology department (with 2 weeks in Labout Theatre)..Ironic enough?

Yours truly signing off,
Dr.Norfaridahanum

Ahhhh..apelah sangat yang ada pada nama? Remember,I'm still that old clumsy bimbo who writes here beacuse she has no one else to share her bizarre thoughts,dreams and fears.

You just have to know

"I sat up one night,middle of the night
And I knew.. I could do this.I still don't know how am I gonna do this but I knew I can do it.
YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW.
And when you don't know?No one can fault you for it.
You do what you can, when you can,while you can. 
When you can't,you can't."

Dr.Miranda Bailey, Grey's Anatomy 

Season 2,Episode 13

Begin the Begin

I have made my decision.

And I will do whatever I know that I have to do while I can do it.

I know some people disagree with me.

And I am dealing with it.

I have no intention in proving them wrong.

Neither that I have to show proofs that I am right.

I am just making the best out of my life, every single day.

And so do they.

Wake me up when September ends

I can't believe I didn't blog for one whole month.

Paediatrics posting was a hectic one. Posting started at 8 o'clock. And on Saturday, there's seminar that went upto 1230 or  1 o'clock sometimes.

And to people like me who's having the longest attention span of  45mins (extra 30mins if I'm allowed to chew gums or munch) , that was such a bummer!!!

I'm not blaming Indian learning system entirely. Some slacks must have come from my side too but I am done trying to correct! I have got to remind myself every single day that I can't expect myself of becoming that level of student I used to be or else at the end of the day I will become so frustrated with myself and get no job done at all. The pressure of MBBS is something, and the pressure of MBBS IN INDIA is another different thing.

Malaysian system is not the best also, but as far as LEARNING goes...

I just miss those days when problem based stuff, reasoning etc etc etc and bonding that I have with my teachers made going to school is the thing I look up to every single day.

East or West, Home is the Best

It's the knowledge

It's been a while. I know.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t and hi people!

Today is the final day for my final Internal Medicine posting but I decided to take a half-day off before entering Paediatrics tomorrow. It's going to be even more hectic in Paediatrics,I heard. Plus,I had to prepare for my ECG seminar next Monday.

Final end-posting exam(OSCE as some people called it) for Internal Medicine went well,I guess. I attempted to each question my examiners asked in a way that they didn't asked me to elaborate more and more.Not that I know so much okay, it's just a confidence voice, pauses and interjections here and there with a little bit of body gestures.I owe this so much to my debating days in high school...LOLS! 

Some scenes worth replay.

When they asked me, "patient is already hemiplegic, so we did craniotomy, removed the clot but he's not improving also, can you justify the need for craniotomy here?" Ouch,I straight away turned to my patient,hiding my "ouch" facial expression from the examiner, I only know 2 phrases for that. 1)Cushing reflex 2)cerebral oedema . Last semester Sir had taught us during clinics but I couldn't find it in the textbook so basically what I knew are patchy, yet I had to patch them up.A quick silent prayer I had-God,don't let him ask me further about that Cushing thingy. Took a breath and went "Sir,we have to,..if we don't remove the clot, cerebral oedema can develop (he nodded) The Cushing's reflex...there will be further compression on the other sites of  the brain" A fast and a bit of interjection (affirmative tone)in saying Cushing reflex, open hands with pointing index fingers ,quick rise of eyebrows with blinking eyes (which indirectly means well,we all know this!) And he nodded for 2nd time. Saved!Alhamdulillah

At one point of time, he wanted me to list down all the causes for stroke in young. So I went on and on till I think there's no other causes possible but he didn't seem to be satisfied and so he hinted at me,"there's a pipe in the brain,and it has broken".HAHAHAHA!That means "rupture of Berry's aneurysm" people! Only when I said that they moved on to next questions. Phewwwww~

Finishing case discussion, he just asked me to elicit a knee jerk on my hemiplegic patient. I suppose that should be good, because the more you messed up with your theory, the more practical stuffs you will be asked to show. That's how it works here,according to my unit staff. But that good feelings didn't last long. I answered his last question wrongly and it gave him that victory moment to leave my bed with that I-have-an-intact-memory-kind-of-smile. And I found out later that one of the examiner is a neurologist!Ummmpppphh! 

* where is the location of stretch tendon in the knee reflex arc? It's in the Quadriceps muscle!

Gosh!How come I miss that? I know the effector is quadriceps, even had mapped the reflex arc,the internuncial neurone etc in my mind. But why did I say the receptors is in the patellar tendon itself? Booooo!

As for my short case,I still have to work on it more. I had to do General Physical Examination , cardiovascular examination and came out with the diagnosis in 15minutes. No history, no conversation with the patient was allowed. Well, even if it's allowed also,I didn't not get any advantages since my patient had deaf mutism (basically you call this people deaf&dumb) And I was instructing him to open his shirt,to lie down,to look up,to open his mouth and etc etc using sign languages,can you imagine?TOINK! 

Thank God he's very cooperative,and hyperactive too. When I was checking (and obviously touching) him,he would come near my face acted like wanting to give me a kiss and later jiggled at my jolt. At one time,he was so busy flipping through my Ishihara booklet so I let him be while I continued doing some examinations and in the next few minutes,my Ishihara had been rolled into a cigarette-like thingy. He smiled happily when showing it to me -___-"  And lastly a funny moment when at the very last minute I realized that I had not measured his height and weight.So I rushed for the apparatus and brought it to the bedside,he said "aaaaaaaaaaaaa" (with a facial expression that I interpreted as "you have forgotten the first thing that all other doctors had asked me to do"),excitingly jumped from the bed,straight onto the weighing machine. HAHAHAHA!

This guy has been in Wenlock for years.Always see him wandering near Psychiatric ward but the ignorant me had never bothered about him all this while. When I saw him on the exam day I was so surprise. And only that day I know that he's actually suffering from a syndrome called Noonan. Poor guy! 

All in all,I'm still happy with my performance giving that I haven't examined both patients beforehand.No single clues about what they are having. I mean, if I'm a little bit "smart & dilligent" I can actually go to Wenlock hospital everyday to check-out on cases that have high possibility to be kept during the exam. I went there once and concentrated on patient with heart diseases since we were lacking of that in Attavar.  That's all, and I think I've benefited much from my Attavar posting. Anyway,if I do so, it surely helps me to do better in the exam.But to be a good doctor in the future? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT!I've done it once for my last semester posting on Paediatrics and IT JUST FEELS SO WRONG! 

My husband is actually worried seeing me reading from quite a "thick&tough" books for exams.So I tell him (and I keep telling this to myself) "the score is not what I'm after, it's the knowledge".

Not that I don't care about attaining good marks in exams, indeed I'm so scared thinking about this coming final exam in December.What if I fail? What if I'm the only one who fails among my Malaysian friends? Will people blamed my marriage if I fail?I had so much questions going in my head and I only have one ultimate  belief to dissolve all the thoughts - I'll do my best, and let Him decides the rest.His decision is nothing short from the best.

"Surely there is ease after hardship. Aye!surely there is ease after hardship. So when thou art free,strive hard. And to thy Lord do thou attend whole-heartedly" - Al-Insyirah (Solace) 94:6-9

I don't think I have to babble about the importance of seeking knowledge in Islam. It's the first revelation to our Prophet =)

I've got to go. See you!

Shu & I were the only Malaysian in this Medicine unit.AAAA..we just can't be separated!

Seek Allah's pleasure in anything you do,peeps!

LillahiTaa'la =)

Coming Soon

"AULIYA"

to be revealed on April 2013

Semoga Allah redha =)