When I was in midst of semester exam last month, a girl added me on Facebook. Being me, I don't have any rules on who to approve and who's not. It's an online social networking after all. Mutual friends more that 20 is fair enough for me to approve a friend request. If it less than 10,I'll just do a brief check on who's our mutual friends(provided that I'm in a good mood). And in this girl's case, majority of our mutual friends belong to my Ipoh's group. So I thought she must be one of those people I used to rub shoulders with and still remembers me while I,on the other hand not.Or ingat-ingat lupa, Melayu kata. Well,it happens like that most of the time. There's one time another girl wrote to me on Facebook,
"Hanum,mesti awak tak ingat kat saya kan?Kita pernah sekelas masa dekat Ho Seng Ong dulu. U used to be my rival sebab awak selalu dapat nombor satu dalam kelas". Maha Suci Tuhan!!! Moral of the story? If you're smart,you'll become number one in class. If you're smarter, you will settle for second or third place,still being called as smart student and make less enemies!
Back to the girl who I-approved-because-we-have-fair-numbers-of-mutual-friends, we started chatting on Skype. Apparently,she didn't knew me either. Snap! She found my blog while Googling(used Google.com,I hope this term exist!) for Manipal University and needed my help on something. That something we called Love....
Almost 4 years of waiting?? Kill me man,please! She's so young to let her life wasted like that. She should have let life taught her on how to fight, on how hard a ground is when you fell from above stars, on how gloomy a night will be when you've got your dreams shattered, on how to mend a broken heart, on how love actually is. But she let life taught her only one lesson. A lesson on "waiting". Talking about being loyal? No, you're joking.You're just spoiling yourself and all good future you have ahead.
The last break-up really took its toll on me. I even subscribed to a weekly newsletter on "Getting Back Your Ex" online.Ok,laugh as much as you want now.Crazy me! Gila loser kau!You know, every week they sent me a mail on how to convince your ex-lover to re-establish a relationship with you, how to hypnotize(?) your ex lah etc. There's one time one of their tricks seem to work out-it was when they said not to contact your ex-lover for a period of time. OMG!I really did that.For almost 4months. Dan macam berjayalah sebab lepas itu bila contact kami seolah-olah menjadi baik semula tapi tiada apa-apa yang official lah!! Until one day,I received another mail and it wrote something like this "Nor,Today, I just want to ask you a simple question. Is he/she worth fighting for? What if your true love is actually standing right here in front of you,but you were so busy grieving over your ex lover that you couldn't see it?"And that mail really caught me up. Like a trigger being pulled,gunshot directed to my brain. It was then I realized that he's not worth fighting for,that I should give myself another chance to fall for one right guy. One,who's worth fighting for.God knows who.
And I hope it's him.InsyaAllah..
And early this month, a good guy friend of mine approached me after class, asking me in hesitancy, "macam mana kau handle kau punya break-up dulu?" Ouch!He was the guy who just couldn't understand why people shall live in dismay following a break-up. The same guy who would say "dah habis,habislah..cari lain.apa susah?". (He admitted that by the way!) But then when he gets to face it now,you can't imagine how disconcert he is.And how terribly sorry I am. I shall understand that since it was an almost 4 years of relationship. Such a cute couple they were. I once thought that they will end up happily ever after. But God knows what and why,it ended.
After telling me a little bit of what actually had happened,he continued to ask me, "apa yang perempuan nak bila long-distance r/ship ni?Apa lagi yang tak cukup aku buat?" AHHA!I smiled.But that sure wasn't enough to answer his question right.. "Orang bila dah tawar hati ni..They'll put all reasons in the world. As simple as that. Dah 3 tahun kau kat India ni.Sekarang baru nak kata susahnya long distance?Lagipun dia couple dengan orang lain kan?That's it.Ini memang kasar aku cakap,tapi memang dia dah tak nak kat kau.Bukan sebab apa yang kurang kat kau or whatsoever.Lagi baik kau try to live with this fact daripada susah-susah cari atau cipta alasan. Sebab memang tak ada"
Look,I'm not trying to look or sound like I'm a masterji talking about this. I'm in love now,so much in love. As much as you people get annoyed with that unfailing weekly pink Ipod post even when there's no other updates for the week!HAHAHA.. Some(this people usually has never gotten themselves into a relationship pun!) might say what I'm feeling now is just a mixed clouds of varying emotions and beliefs. Still I wanna say this is actually love!!!!But....I also had fallen in love before. Out of love. Being cheated. And cheated people too. Secretly love someone. Being secretly loved by someone. Was waiting. Being waited. Got dumped. And being dumbfounded later. I'm no angel. I'm just a human,just like you. But I don't succumb to my ego. Yes,I felt helpless at time,but I wasn't defeated by it. Have you heard about the 5 stages of grief? - denial, angry, bargaining,depression, acceptance. I just let myself went through all those stages,one step at a time. Now,3 years had passed. Throughout this time,I have learnt so many things and changed my view on love and life constantly. And I'm still changing. And healing.
I don't agree when people says that you should just remember good things about your ex. To me what you should appropriately do is to remember thing that is good for you. For your healing. As for me, I remember my ex as an over-protective, paranoid, has strong dream but fragile will. It helps me in rebuilding my self-esteem, put me in control of myself wholly again and to stand strong against whatever predicaments come across my pursuit of happiness. Why think of all sweet good times when it's gonna let you end up crying and feel helpless? No,I don't hate him. Just that I love myself more. When people keeps saying that you should stop any connections you have with your ex lover, hell yeah that's so true. Even Hanis Zalikha wrote that,tahu? Ah kau,bila hot chick cakap baru ko nak ikut ek? Cis! Just spare your ex lover some prayers and du'a. It means you still remember him/her in a good way, and that should be more than enough.
Cry when you feel like crying. Shout when you feel like doing so. Escape from your daily routine when you need to. Indulge in fun stuff. Shut you heart for as long as you want. Travel and see the world (that doesn't always mean airplane and money) . Let positive vibe of being around supportive people channeled into you.So that when the right time comes,you'll definitely be ready. Bukan ready nak bercinta dan kahwin terus ok. Ready,in the sense of being prepared for another challenges life yet to offer. And you'll make way through it in a smoother way,InsyaAllah.
I'll write more on the urusan dengan Tuhan business when I got other time. Sorry for having you guys to read this lengthy post.
p/s:while writing this, a senior PM me on Facebook.Guess what was she asking me about? HAHA.I kid you not.
p/s:while writing this also, I just realized that I totally didn't screw myself on last July 2nd, O Lord!Like seriously? I once thought that I'll remember the date forever. Alhamdulillah,all I remembered that day was Arwah Tok Wan had left me for 10 years. Totally forgot that it was the same date I broke-up with my ex for which I did some sort of "mourning ritual" (like not going to class,being emotionally unstable on that day during first 2 years post break-up,LOL) Alhamdulillah,Alhamdulillah,Alhamdulillah.
so..anyone's getting me that book from ZA??? tehee =)))
I don't regret painful times, I bear my scars as if they are medals - Paulo Coelho,The Zahir