Thursday, July 21, 2011

Love Actually...

When I was in midst of semester exam last month, a girl added me on Facebook. Being me, I don't have any rules on who to approve and who's not. It's an online social networking after all. Mutual friends more that 20 is fair enough for me to approve a friend request. If it less than 10,I'll just do a brief check on who's our mutual friends(provided that I'm in a good mood). And in this girl's case, majority of our mutual friends belong to my Ipoh's group. So I thought she must be one of those people I used to rub shoulders with and still remembers me while I,on the other hand not.Or ingat-ingat lupa, Melayu kata. Well,it happens like that most of the time. There's one time another girl wrote to me on Facebook,
"Hanum,mesti awak tak ingat kat saya kan?Kita pernah sekelas masa dekat Ho Seng Ong dulu. U used to be my rival sebab awak selalu dapat nombor satu dalam kelas". Maha Suci Tuhan!!! Moral of the story? If you're smart,you'll become number one in class. If you're smarter, you will settle for second or third place,still being called as smart student and make less enemies!

Back to the girl who I-approved-because-we-have-fair-numbers-of-mutual-friends, we started chatting on Skype. Apparently,she didn't knew me either. Snap! She found my blog while Googling(used Google.com,I hope this term exist!) for Manipal University and needed my help on something. That something we called Love....



-dengan izin-

Almost 4 years of waiting?? Kill me man,please! She's so young to let her life wasted like that. She should have let life taught her on how to fight, on how hard a ground is when you fell from above stars, on how gloomy a night will be when you've got your dreams shattered, on how to mend a broken heart, on how love actually is. But she let life taught her only one lesson. A lesson on "waiting". Talking about being loyal? No, you're joking.You're just spoiling yourself and all good future you have ahead. 

The last break-up really took its toll on me. I even subscribed to a weekly newsletter on "Getting Back Your Ex" online.Ok,laugh as much as you want now.Crazy me! Gila loser kau!You know, every week they sent me a mail on how to convince your ex-lover to re-establish a relationship with you, how to hypnotize(?) your ex lah etc. There's one time one of their tricks seem to work out-it was when they said not to contact your ex-lover for a period of time. OMG!I really did that.For almost 4months. Dan macam berjayalah sebab lepas itu bila contact kami seolah-olah menjadi baik semula tapi tiada apa-apa yang official lah!! Until one day,I received another mail and it wrote something like this "Nor,Today, I just want to ask you a simple question. Is he/she worth fighting for? What if your true love is actually standing right here in front of you,but you were so busy grieving over your ex lover that you couldn't see it?"And that mail really caught me up. Like a trigger being pulled,gunshot directed to my brain. It was then I realized that he's not worth fighting for,that I should give myself another chance to fall for one right guy. One,who's worth fighting for.God knows who.

And I hope it's him.InsyaAllah..

And early this month, a good guy friend of mine approached me after class, asking me in hesitancy, "macam mana kau handle kau punya break-up dulu?" Ouch!He was the guy who just couldn't understand why people shall live in dismay following a break-up. The same guy who would say "dah habis,habislah..cari lain.apa susah?". (He admitted that by the way!) But then when he gets to face it now,you can't imagine how disconcert he is.And how terribly sorry I am. I shall understand that since it was  an almost 4 years of relationship. Such a cute couple they were. I once thought that they will end up happily ever after. But God knows what and why,it ended. 

After telling me a little bit of what actually had happened,he continued to ask me, "apa yang perempuan nak bila long-distance r/ship ni?Apa lagi yang tak cukup aku buat?" AHHA!I smiled.But that sure wasn't enough to answer his question right.. "Orang bila dah tawar hati ni..They'll put all reasons in the world. As simple as that. Dah 3 tahun kau kat India ni.Sekarang baru nak kata susahnya long distance?Lagipun dia couple dengan orang lain kan?That's it.Ini memang kasar aku cakap,tapi memang dia dah tak nak kat kau.Bukan sebab apa yang kurang kat kau or whatsoever.Lagi baik kau try to live with this fact daripada susah-susah cari atau cipta alasan. Sebab memang tak ada" 

Look,I'm not trying to look or sound like I'm a masterji talking about this. I'm in love now,so much in love. As much as you people get annoyed with that unfailing weekly pink Ipod post even when there's no other updates for the week!HAHAHA.. Some(this people usually has never gotten themselves into a relationship pun!) might say what I'm feeling now is just a mixed clouds of varying emotions and beliefs. Still I wanna say this is actually love!!!!But....I also had fallen in love before. Out of love. Being cheated. And cheated people too. Secretly love someone. Being secretly loved by someone. Was waiting. Being waited. Got dumped. And being dumbfounded later. I'm no angel. I'm just a human,just like you. But I don't succumb to my ego. Yes,I felt helpless at time,but I wasn't defeated by it. Have you heard about the 5 stages of grief? - denial, angry, bargaining,depression, acceptance. I just let myself went through all those stages,one step at a time. Now,3 years had passed. Throughout this time,I have learnt so many things and changed my view on love and life constantly. And I'm still changing. And healing.  

I don't agree when people says that you should just remember good things about your ex. To me what you should appropriately do is to remember thing that is good for you. For your healing. As for me, I remember my ex as an over-protective, paranoid, has strong dream but fragile will. It helps me in rebuilding my self-esteem, put me in control of myself wholly again and to stand strong against whatever predicaments come across my pursuit of happiness. Why think of all sweet good times when it's gonna let you end up crying and feel helpless? No,I don't hate him. Just that I love myself more. When people keeps saying that you should stop any connections you have with your ex lover, hell yeah that's so true. Even Hanis Zalikha wrote that,tahu? Ah kau,bila hot chick cakap baru ko nak ikut ek? Cis! Just spare your ex lover some prayers and du'a. It means you still remember him/her in a good way, and that should be more than enough.


Cry when you feel like crying. Shout when you feel like doing so. Escape from your daily routine when you need to. Indulge in fun stuff. Shut you heart for as long as you want. Travel and see the world (that doesn't  always mean airplane and money) . Let positive vibe of being around supportive people channeled into you.So that when the right time comes,you'll definitely be ready. Bukan ready nak bercinta dan kahwin terus ok. Ready,in the sense of being prepared for another challenges life yet to offer. And you'll make way through it in a smoother way,InsyaAllah.

I'll write more on the urusan dengan Tuhan business when I got other time. Sorry for having you guys to read this lengthy post. 

p/s:while writing this, a senior PM me on Facebook.Guess what was she asking me about? HAHA.I kid you not.

p/s:while writing this also, I just realized that I totally didn't screw myself on last July 2nd, O Lord!Like seriously? I once thought that I'll remember the date forever. Alhamdulillah,all I remembered that day was Arwah Tok Wan had left me for 10 years. Totally forgot that it was the same date I broke-up with my ex for which I did some sort of "mourning ritual" (like not going to class,being emotionally unstable on that day during first 2 years post break-up,LOL) Alhamdulillah,Alhamdulillah,Alhamdulillah.


so..anyone's getting me that book from ZA??? tehee =)))


I don't regret painful times, I bear my scars as if they are medals - Paulo Coelho,The Zahir

10 comments:

izati zaibi said...

anum,iguess im a loser too.subscribed on some kind of program called howtohealabrokenheart.muahahaha which in the end i totally ignored it n went through the stages anyway.but yeah breakup ajar ko banyak benda,things u never thought u'll be able to do,things to appreciate more n all the other stuffs.life a lesson kan :) anyway good luck on ur love life.sila jemput makan nasik minyak nantik :P

norfaridahanum said...

hai ejai! 1st thing 1st,sndrik ckp diri sndrik loser xpa.jgn bg org lainckp kat kita.haha. yups,sgt stuju with part "Appreciate more"...in my case,jadik makin syg dengan family sbb diorang terlampau banyak bersusah payah n support me.thanks 4 d wish! dont worry kengkawan haruslah dikhabarkan kalo ada berita sebaik itu.

naz said...

saya tidak mampu berkata apa apa :) saya cuba mengubah pendirian saya yang : jika cinta ikhlas tak salah, tipu diri sendiri rasa bersalah. hahaha i try my best norfa:)

selamat bakal pengantin norfa haha

Cik NurulZaty said...

seseorang bagi link entry awak ni kt saya sbg bacaan tmabahan.
as saya pun tgh melalui situasi ini

sy stuju ngn kta2 awk..yea. ignorance is a bliss. dah cuba ignore dia seboleh bolehnya utk cuba jadi kuat..

walau mmg lah susah. tpai somehow it help us a lot dlm hidup..yea. i can feel it ..

norfaridahanum said...

naz,yups..itu yg i ckp kat kwn laki saya tuh.tak perlu nak tipu diri sendiri naz..and tolonglah jangan berasa inferiority complex sangat. u r a good guy,that is superior most to any other criteria.

Cik NurulZaty,salam dari saya untuk yang memberi link ini kepada awak.cuma yang saya mahu awak ingat ialah saya menulis dan menasihatkan melalui pengalaman saya.Mungkin ada yang tidak kena di pandangan awak atau siapa2 saja. tapi saya percaya kita semua mahukan yang terbaik dlm hidup. cuma usaha dan doa kita je yang perlu diulangkaji selalu.takut terlampau ikutkan hati..nanti mati. saya harap awak kuat dan tabah. love is not everything,but still it's something.and we human doesn't need everything,we only need all that little somethings.

Abidin Sani said...

yah, experience always being a good teacher; as long as we care to learn.

and anum being anum has always stun me in every single way she heading too.

it hurt; the moment. but that lead to a greater you deep inside; and that pain are worth for, rite?

*smile*

be a great muslim ya anum. i know you not an angel, but that should not prevent you being angelic in your own way; a truth one.

norfaridahanum said...

ABIDIN SANI!

didnt u know i was waiting to see ur comment on this?and on other entries too!!

well mr., i hope i had stunned u in a good way so far.too many things had happened, but you know me lah kan.DEGIL!i fight on things i think right(under His guidance too,insyaAllah)

*don't want to smile,saja nak gedik merajuk boleh?*

insyaAllah..need to be a great individu muslim before starting off a baitulmuslim,trying my best each day and time.

Abidin Sani said...

commenting or not; i always bump to this page day by day. thanks for your writing to make this routine look easy for me.

and of course i you stunned me in a good way; most of time.

*smile*

oh.
silap.

*merajuk*

hehe.

Degil?
Apparently you are not.
You simply have fighting spirit which spark the slimmest chance of winning come alive. History teach alot; and of course you learn enough to be anum today.

Be an anchor woman for yourself anum.
Love yourself more.
Life well life hell, you choose.

ah.
last line is Hlovate's (rooftop rant).
hehe.

Allah is One.
Quran is One.
and this life is One too.
the rest; they maybe more.

Got me?

*smile*

Abidin Sani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
norfaridahanum said...

byughuk beno ghupenye kalo dah tua2 bangka meghajuk mr.abidin sani!

rooftop rant?oh,havent read that one.will go pinjam it from my friend later lah.but i cant tell when coz life has been so hectic these days(cliche!) nway,i'm planning on an escape.so i guess u might consider another new thing to do,for 5 days at least.haha.

thank u so much for being supportive.u know what is one thing i like about u?when u think i'm right,u'll say it without doubt,just like when u think that i'm wrong.

but thats not the only thing,u know that.hws sofia n her sister?ouch!i forget her name.or u havent told me,i guess? hope that they wont grow up n b like me.i hope everything falls easy and beautifully on them.insyaAllah.